Think Positively! :)

            This week, we talked a little bit about divorce.  One of the definitions given by a member of our class was that it’s not just separating the parents.  It’s a legal separation of the family.  It was a new way of looking at it for me. 

Brother Williams also told us that 70% of those who experienced divorce believe they made the wrong decision and that they could have fixed their relationship.  In addition, 70% of men are also remarried within/after about two years.  He informed us that the average cost of a divorce was $25,000, and that in the first five years that amount tends to end up being about $125,000.  It makes me see even more that divorce isn’t just a quick fix at all, and the chances are that the spouse will regret it afterwards anyway.  I’m not saying that divorce is never a good thing—sometimes it may be necessary.  However, the chances are still pretty good that the problems can be worked through and/or the spouse would regret it later.

I wanted to know how you could avoid going down the path of divorce.  What happens in the beginning?  In every marriage, there are trials and challenges, some more serious than others.  A spouse starts down that dangerous path when they see their problems as serious enough for him/her to question his/her marriage relationship.  These doubts lead to the spouse redefining how they see their companion.  Not that their companion necessarily changed, the spouse just starts to see the negative, to see them differently.  This is what starts the process.

            So how do you avoid redefining your spouse?  Keep your thoughts about your partner positive!  Instead of focusing on the negative—because you’ll find it if you’re looking for it—keep thinking about them in positive ways.  Don’t allow yourself to think negatively about them.  Learn to recognize and appreciate the good, and remember that trials, though hard, can become something that pulls the two of you even closer together.  Communicate, show affection, and don’t withdraw.  You can avoid the heartaches and losses of divorce.

Double Prizes! (Parenting Styles and the Need to Contribute)

This week, we discussed the three basic types of parenting: permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian.  Permissive is the kind of parenting that’s like being a doormat.  The parent offers little correction, little direction, and they don’t follow through.  Authoritarian is being more of a dictator than a parent.  The parent has high regulations and allows less freedom to their children.  We discussed how what we really would like to aim for is the authoritative.  Authoritative is the kind of parenting where the parent listens and corrects and they have clear—but permeable—boundaries.  Two distinctions I thought were extremely important is that authoritative parenting focuses on the child and puts an emphasis on who they are becoming.  The other two, as was critically pointed out in class, focuses more on the experiences of the parent(s). 

I thought about how the authoritative approach is the approach that requires the most faith.  I discovered that this is one way parents can continue to develop their own faith as their children grow, which is very important to me.  It’s also the approach that allows parents to still be guiding their children while still allowing for their children to be agents.  The Lord has said that He wants us to be agents—to act instead of being acted upon. (See 2 Ne. 2:14, 16.)  For these reasons and the others mentioned, I feel that authoritative parenting seems to be most consistent with the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It is the type of parenting I—and hopefully, my spouse!—would like to aim for when we have children. 

Along with the type of parenting that I would like to develop, I would also like to remember the five basic needs each of us has, and apply them as a parent.  These five basic needs were power, protection, withdrawal, challenge, and contact/belonging.  They can either be gained in negative or positive ways.  If a child is acting in a negative way, such as undue attention seeking, perhaps it’s their way of trying to fulfill their needs.  I want to be sensitive to that as a parent.   

What particularly impressed me was how we feel that we belong when we contribute.  An example of a positive way to contribute is when children want to help with chores.  I discovered that’s why my little brother used to ask to make brownies or other foods often.  In nursery, I’ve discovered that the little kids like picking up crayons and helping clean up messes.  Sure, these things can be somewhat of a hindrance to the parents, but I want to be the type of parent who will encourage them to contribute.  I want to be more concerned about recognizing and fulfilling their needs instead of focusing on my own.  I know that will take practice and the Lord’s help, but I really want to make that effort.  I think those efforts could have lasting results, and I’d like those results to be for the better.  

(Scripture pulled from http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/2.14?lang=eng on 7/12/2013.)

"My Work and My Glory"

Somewhere along the line, I developed the mentality that work was bad, that work is not fun.  Maybe it stemmed from the saying that my parents used sometimes: “work first, get it done. Play last, you have more fun.”  The point is that somewhere, somehow, I developed the idea that work was not fun. 

I’ve realized that it doesn't have to be that way.  The Lord never said that work was bad.  In fact, He encouraged just the opposite from the very beginning.  Moses 3: 15 says “And I, the Lord God, took the man, and put him into the Garden of Eden, to dress it, and keep it.”  And Eve was to be “an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18), meaning that she was to assist Adam.  That was even before Adam and Eve partook of the fruit.  And their partaking of the fruit didn’t change that either.  The Lord told Adam that “cursed shall be the ground for thy sake…By the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, until thou shalt return unto the ground” (Moses 4: 23, 24).  Eve was also to continue to be a help meet for Adam.  They were to work together, just as husband and wives are still commanded to do today.

God Himself has said that “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to past the immortality and eternal life of man.”  His work and His glory aren’t separate.  This suggests that His work is what brings Him happiness. 

We also know that work is important to the Lord because “work” is stated as one of the nine principles specifically mentioned in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.”  This Proclamation states: “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation).  Work must be pretty important if it’s one of the nine principles specifically stated as keys to a successful marriage and family.     

These three examples show me that work was never a curse—and never will be—but somehow it seems to be a trend to think that way.  I know I’ve thought that way, and I’d like to change that mentality.

Speaking from personal experience, I’ve noticed that I feel more satisfied when I have been productive with my time.  Having the house cleaned is an accomplishment.  I’m slowly learning that being productive leads to greater satisfaction.  I’d like to teach my children that work is not something that is bad or that it keeps us them from having fun.  I’d like to stress that working really does bring greater satisfaction than playing all of the time.  I’m not sure entirely how I’m going to do that, so that’s open for more study.  But I do feel that it will be important for me to help them learn to work hard and to use their time wisely.

I know that one thing I will need to do is become alright with the idea that the work as an adult is never going to be completely done.  If I can learn to enjoy working, I think I’ll be better able to pace myself and lower my own anxiety.  I think it would help me learn to better appreciate processes and improving instead of just accomplishing something.  I would have greater satisfaction with life, and I would be practicing what I preach.  

More Effective Family Councils

            This week, we discussed communication and family councils.  I chose to focus on family councils specifically.  We read an excerpt from “Counseling with Our Councils by Elder Ballard and talked about the pattern that the Lord suggests we follow with family councils.  Here are the steps:

1.       Come together and discuss appreciation and love for each other.

2.       Say a prayer to invite the Spirit and to be guided as the decision is made.

3.       Discuss until consensus.

4.       End with another prayer (shows gratitude).

5.       Have refreshments or other kinds of activities.

We talked of the importance of every member speaking in turn, and individually saying what they feel is the Lord’s will.  We shouldn’t argue, shouldn’t be having a battle to see who can be heard the most, and shouldn’t have multiple people talking.  I think having one person speak at a time gets rid of unnecessary arguments and helps every member of the family be a participant.  Plus, if you start from the oldest and work around through the smallest, giving each person a turn, then that gives everyone more time to process what their family members said and reevaluate what they feel the Lord’s will is with those new ideas in mind.  I think this could be a very effective method in helping my family reach the decisions the Lord would have us make.

                The biggest part for me as we discussed this was the importance of seeking a consensus, not compromising.  In other words, everyone is in agreement with the decision that’s made.  In the past, I figured that compromising was a good way of making decisions.  I think the point was driven even more home when Bro. Williams helped me see what the implications of compromise are.  Basically it boils down to selfishness.  We’re asking the wrong question if we compromise.   Instead of asking what the Lord would necessarily have us do, we’re seeing how much we can get of what we want and how much to let go so we can “move on.”  I feel strongly that my husband and I are going to have more success in finding the answers to the problems we face if we take the time and ask the right questions and seek a consensus on God’s will for us.  I look forward to having those opportunities of strongly feeling the Spirit when you and your family have made the right decision. 

                If we exercise our faith in trying out this method, we’re promised that “family, ward, and stake problems can be solved if we seek solutions in the Lord’s way” (Elder Ballard, “Counseling with Our Councils”) and that “’Fathers and mothers should apply diligently the principles I have discussed in their relationships with each other and with their children.  In doing so, our homes can become a heaven on earth.” (Elder Ballard, Counseling with Our Councils, pg. 5 out of 5)  I’m looking forward to seeking those solutions in the Lord’s way with my husband and with our future family.  I look forward to working with my husband and family towards a home where it can be a heaven on earth. 

Untruths and Anxiety

This week, our class discussions was focused on family stress and ways of coping with stress.  One of the topics we discussed a little on Thursday was replacing things that are untrue with truths.  Bro. Williams talked of this in terms of anxiety and depression.  I don’t think it was originally part of the planned topics for discussion, but I thought it was extremely important for me to hear.  The example he shared showed how far depression could tear a family apart.  He taught us from the scriptures, specifically Doctrine and Covenants, Section 93.  In D&C 93: 36-40 it reads:

            36 The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.

37 Light and truth forsake that evil one.

38 Every spirit of man was innocent in the beginning; and God having redeemed man from the fall, men became again, in their infant state, innocent before God.

            39 And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and because of the tradition of their fathers.

40 But I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth.

(Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/93.24?lang=eng, 6/21/2013)

                Bro. Williams said that almost always, the thoughts we have that make us depressed are untrue.  I think this relates specifically to my anxiety as well.  For me, I tend to be a pretty big perfectionist.  The untruths that I fall for are things that keep me in those associated habits.   

                One key part of those scriptures that I found very enlightening was from verse 39 where we are told that one way the adversary comes and takes away our light is because of the “tradition of their fathers.”  Brother Williams put it into other words for us: parents are who influence us and teach us how to think.  I realized that my anxiety is something I need to get under control both for my sake but perhaps more importantly, for my family’s sake.  As a mother, I’ll have quite a bit of influence on how my children will think.  What I would be teaching them through my example right now is to fear making mistakes, to fear being wrong.  That’s a problem because I know fear is the opposite of faith.  Technically, if I do, I’m helping the adversary lead them astray like verse 38 says, and I’m also not bringing up my children in light and truth like verse 40 commands.  I wouldn’t be teaching them about God’s true character.  It would make it harder for them to know the Father as the loving, forgiving Father He is.  That’s definitely not something I’d like to happen. 

                I don’t want my fears to become my children’s fears.  I want them to trust in the Atonement and the forgiveness offered by the Lord.  If that’s the case, I need to deal with my own fears first.  I feel that learning to recognize the untruths and not allowing myself to tell myself those things will actually really help.  Like verse 37 says, light and truth get rid of the adversary’s influence.  If I could get into that habit of telling myself truths, I think that would help me overcome my anxiety.  I’d be able to spend more time doing more worthwhile things than twentieth-time checking, and I could increase in my learning and growth.  I could live with faith, not fear, and I could teach my children to do the same.  I look forward to finding resources that will help me conquer my anxiety.  I know it would be a blessing for myself and my family.  

No One Else

                This week, we discussed the topic of infidelity.  I have learned more of what it means to be fiercely loyal to my spouse, how easy it is to be guilty of infidelity, and how to better avoid infidelity.  It’s important to me to avoid infidelity and to protect my marriage. 

We were asked to view a presentation called “Friends, Facebook, and Fidelity.”  In the presentation, there was a fantastic quote from President Kimball:

                “…The Lord says in no uncertain terms ‘Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else’ (D&C 42:22)….The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupation life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle—1972, pg. 142-143)

                The cleaving unto them and none else hit me really powerfully this time.  This quote and presentation helped me to realize what cleaving unto my husband and NO ONE ELSE means.  I cannot let anyone or anything be more important than my spouse.  My husband and I should have clear boundaries around ourselves as husband and wife, as a new family.  Anything that interferes with that needs to be eliminated or toned down.  Sometimes, that’s going to include close friends and possibly even family.  I made a covenant to cleave only to Steve, and as much as I love my friends, they’re not sealed to me.  I have to be willing to let go if they start to be more important to me than they should be.  I don’t have to completely get rid of my friendships, but I think I’ve been trying to hold onto them more than I should.  I was grateful the presentation and our class discussion helped me see how dangerous holding onto friends too closely can be.  It’s going to take some adjustment to find the proper balance and how exactly I need to apply this, but it’s definitely something I needed to know.

                The presentation also showed me a different way of looking at Facebook.  I didn’t realize so many evils could come from it, but the presentation was totally right.  It really is a more convenient way of looking up stuff you wouldn’t otherwise be looking into.  We all joke about how Facebook can be a way of stalking people, but it really is the truth—a VERY dangerous truth for a marriage.  It was MAYBE fine when I was single, but it’s definitely not worth the amount of time or the danger now that I’m married.  What everyone else is doing with their lives really isn’t as important as my amount of time spent on Facebook has shown.  “Why should I care so much about what everyone else is doing?” is a very valid question.  I’ve also noticed that it has been something that’s isolating my husband and me more than facilitating being together, and that’s really not okay.  That’s time that we could’ve spent doing activities together or working out different problems that are far more important.  Really, why should Facebook be so important?  It’s SUCH a time waster!

I’ve already spent less time on Facebook today because of my discoveries, and hopefully I’ll continue to make progress with that.  I was surprised at how sick I was of it after getting on it once today.  I haven’t quite decided if I want to get rid of my Facebook completely or just having one page for my husband and me, but I’m definitely going to work to make some drastic changes.  Facebook really doesn’t help me with cleaving to my spouse and none else. 

I think the thoughts and insights I’ve had in these two areas will really focus more solely on my spouse.  I think they’re very important lessons I can apply to help me avoid infidelity within my marriage.  I’m so very grateful I learned of these dangers and doctrines before I unintentionally got into a lot of trouble.  Like I said, I haven’t figured out exactly how I need to apply these things, but I will be working on it!

P.S. I hope none of my friends take offense at this post...  

                

Reinforcing the Bounds Around Husband and Wife

I really enjoyed the topics we discussed this week in class.  One of the topics we discussed was avoiding the baby blues.  I got quite a few insights on what I need to be doing in my own family.  One of the biggest insights I received was the importance of the dad being involved with the birthing process.  They need to be going to the prenatal checkups and being involved with the baby any way they can, including during the pregnancy.  Not only does that help the dad be connected with the baby, but it also reinforces the boundaries around husband and wife.  It allows the pregnancy to be something they can experience together.  It’s definitely something I’ll be doing with the birth of each of our kids.

Another topic I thought was really important was the importance of continuing my courtship with my husband throughout our marriage.  One of the things that led to increased marital happiness for couples after the birth of their first child is to have had a strong relationship beforehand.  I think commitment is part of that.  I read in our textbook that two ways you can strengthen your commitment to your spouse is to express affection and have fun, inspiring, uplifting, etc. time together.  I thought those were two suggestions I could be working on now.  My husband and I can keep going on dates and making time for each other.  We’ve got to make sure that we don’t let our marriage break apart because of bad or convenient habits we started now.  I’m committed to doing better and being more concerned about my husband.  I know it’ll help us now and down the road. J